GETTING IN THE ‘MOOD’
“In my life I’ve lost over 700 stones. By rights I
should be dangling from someone’s charm-bracelet.”
“The most dangerous food is wedding
cake.”
James Thurber
“I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of
food.”
Erma Bombeck
“The best way to lose weight is to develop
an orthodox belief in some religion that doesn't allow any fun.”
Gregory Nunn
“How many people here have telekinetic
powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
“It's relaxing to go out with my ex-wife
because she already knows I'm an idiot.”
Warren Thomas
“The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don't like.”
“If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what
it says on the aspirin bottle: ‘Take two aspirin’ and ‘Keep away from children’.”
“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I
didn't want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife wants sex in the
back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
“One reason why I don't drink is because
I wish to know when I am having a good time.”
Nancy Astor
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night’.”
Charles M. Shulz
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates
me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Sex without love is an empty experience,
but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.”
Woody Allen
“The trouble with being punctual is that
nobody's there to appreciate it.”
Franklin P. Jones
“If we're not supposed to eat animals, how
come they're made out of meat?”
Tom Snyder
“Scientists tell us that the fastest animal
on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been
dropped out of a helicopter.”
Dave Barry
“I didn't know he was dead; I thought
he was British.”
Woody Allen
“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
Now I see that I should have been more specific.”
Lily Tomlin
“Don't worry about the world coming to an
end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles Shulz
“I want to die in my sleep like
my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in
his car.”
Will Shriner
“You can only be young once. But you
can always be immature.”
Dave Barry
“You know you're getting old when you look at a beautiful
19-year-old girl and you find yourself thinking, ‘Wow! I wonder what
her mother looks like?’”
“I speak two languages, Body and English.”
Mae West
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at
yourself.”
“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.”
“The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because
by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.”
“Practice safe eating - always use condiments.”
“I thought of nothing else but rock 'n'
roll; apart from sex and food and money - but that's all the same thing,
really.”
John Lennon
“I've never been drunk, but often
I've been over-served.”
George Gobel
“I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three
days already!”
Tommy Cooper
“You're not drunk if you can lie on the
floor without holding on.”
Dean Martin
“Julian Dicks has been everywhere
... it's like West Ham have got eleven Dicks out there.”
Unknown
“I can resist everything except temptation.”
Oscar Wilde
“I don't drink these days. I am allergic
to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.”
Robert Downey Junior
“Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.”
“There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.”
“Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don’t try this at home, only at work).”
“A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and
the value of nothing.”
“Actually, it only takes one drink to get
me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the 13th or 14th.”
George Burns
“Alcohol is necessary for a man so that
he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.”
Finley Peter Dunne
“I never drink anything stronger than gin
before breakfast.”
W.C. Fields
“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.”
“My mom was a ventriloquist and she always
was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me
to kill my father.”
Wendy Leibman
“So I said, 'Where do you want to go for
your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.'
I said, 'Try the kitchen.'”
Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990)
“The fastest way to meet new people is to pick up somebody
else's change at a cocktail bar.”
“I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.”
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
“I envy people who drink -- at least
they know what to blame everything on.”
Oscar Levant
“Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow
we diet.”
Unknown
“The most important things to do in
the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody
to love you.”
Brenda Ueland
“You better cut the pizza in four pieces
because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.”
Yogi Berra
“I do not like broccoli. And I haven't
liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm
President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.”
George Bush
“People say I'm indecisive, but I don't
know about that.”
George Bush
“I know the human being and fish can coexist
peacefully.”
George Bush
“I have opinions of my own - strong opinions
- but I don't always agree with them.”
George Bush
“I will never apologize for the United
States of America - I don't care what the facts are.”
George Bush
“The best way to relieve families from
time to time is to let them keep some of their own money.”
George Bush
“But let me tell you, this gender thing
is history. You're looking at a guy who sat down with Margaret Thatcher
across the table and talked about serious issues.”
George Bush
“I try to hold my charisma in check.”
George Bush